Supporting Sleep for New Parents
By Elizabeth Atwell Brumley, M. Ed, Baby-led Sleep and Well-being Specialist, Certified Pre/Postnatal Coach, RYT 500
As new parents, it’s easy to be overwhelmed while caring for newborn humans. Parents and caregivers are responsible for providing 100% of the nourishment for very tiny humans, which is a huge job – especially in the common era of nuclear families with limited extended family support and high return-to-work expectations. Nourishment goes beyond feeding and extends into physiological and emotional support. And for parents of small humans, we often get tripped up around sleep.
It’s understandable that we stress about sleep. Adults need sleep, too, and most parents are well acquainted with the negative moods that follow even a single night of interrupted sleep. Yet some of our sleep struggles stem from outdated cultural expectations – not biological norms – from the early and mid 20th century1 When we reexamine these practices, we can be better equipped to navigate sleep in early parenthood.
We don’t need to “teach” or “train” sleep. Your baby knows how to sleep. Sleeping, along with eating and eliminating, are physiological functions. We can’t force them to happen. Nor can we “teach” or “train” these functions* — they happen on their own when the right supports are in place. Even for adults, we can influence sleep, but we can’t force it.
Self-soothing is a research term; it doesn’t mean what common culture thinks it does. In the 1970’s, Dr. Thomas Anders used the term to describe babies in sleep research who woke but did not cry (self-soothing awakenings) vs. babies who cried for their parents (signaled awakenings). In essence, the term described the absence of a behavior (signaling or crying) not the actual act of self-soothing. Additionally, his research demonstrated that the vast majority of babies 6mo-1yr of age wake during the night; many babies do not go more than 5-6hrs without waking2
Newborns wake frequently as a protective mechanism, and need to feed round-the-clock. Newborns are still learning to regulate their temperature and breathing. They have tiny stomachs and need to consume food frequently, especially in the early weeks (whether breastfed or formula fed). Stirring from sleep is normal and physiologically appropriate, as baby can feed, receive diapering, receive touch and temperature modification as needed. Older babies may continue to wake through the night, whether to feed or be comforted (which is a valid need for all humans, especially a newly developing one.)
Cosleeping can be done safely. Cosleeping is a broad term that may include room-sharing or bed-sharing. Cosleeping is done by many human cultures worldwide, and is hundreds of thousands of years old. Cosleeping can support the breastfeeding relationship, and the breastfeeding relationship can support sleep. There are risks involved, which include (and are not limited to) parental smoking, smoking during pregnancy, parental alcohol/substance use, and falling asleep with baby in unsafe locations, such as a sofa or recliner. A fantastic resource for learning about cosleeping is Safe Infant Sleep: Expert Answers to Your Cosleeping Questions, by Dr. James McKenna.
We don’t grow independence by forcing separation. Neuroscience is demonstrating that attachment relationships are pivotal for healthy human development. Pushing nighttime separation isn’t inherently teaching healthy boundaries or independent skills. Instead, independence is encouraged when we support the parent-child relationship. Attachment is nurtured by consistent, responsive caretaking in which both small humans and their adults find delight3
There isn’t an either/or when it comes to sleep in early childhood. The reality for many of us is that one or two parent caregivers share nighttime parenting duties, and still need to get up and go to work (or be otherwise functional) the next day. Yet there are options beyond behavioral extinction “cry-it-out” sleep training methods, and “wait it out” or do-nothing approaches.
Our responsibility as parents is to provide our small humans with the right supports for sleep to happen. We don’t need to teach them how to sleep. Sleep supports should be comprehensive, as sleep isn’t separate from the rest of our well-ness: nutrition to daytime activities to sleep environment to responsive parenting practices to developmentally-appropriate sleep expectations.
One final note: you know your baby and your family best. You have innate parent wisdom that will strengthen and develop as your baby grows. There is not one answer for all families, and the “right answer” at one stage of baby’s development may change during another. It is up to us as parents to do our research and make appropriate choices based on our unique baby and family situations.
*We do teach socializing behaviors around the physiological functions of sleeping, eating, and eliminating. Yet socializing behaviors should not be mistaken for teaching the actual functions to occur.
McKenna, James. (2020). Safe Infant sleep; Expert Answers to Your Cosleeping Questions. Washington, DC: Platypus Media, LLC.
2 Hoffman, John. (2019) Words Matter: Why “Self-Soothing” Is One of The Most Misapplied Words In Child Development. Retrieved from https://selfregulationinstitute.org/2019/02/12/words-matter-why-self-soothing-is-one-of-the-most-misapplied-terms-in-child-development/
3 MacNamara, Deborah. (2016). Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or Anyone Who Acts Like One). Vancouver, Canada: Aona Books.
A native of West Virginia and Appalachian Ohio, Elizabeth Brumley holds a master’s degree in clinical mental health and is a certified Baby-Led Sleep and Well-being Specialist. She uses this approach to support families with holistic sleep practices that honor human development, as well as emphasizing the importance of the parent-child relationship. Her clinical and consultation experience focused on early childhood, including supporting parents and caregivers as cornerstones to their small human’s well-being.
Brumley has worked with tiny humans of all ages and their families, supporting personal growth and community through movement arts practices. She is passionate about growing community and re-villaging. Brumley is a Fulbright Fellow and has been a registered yoga teacher for 15years, and is a certified prenatal/postnatal coach. You can learn more about her work at www.atwellstudios.com, and join her for yoga with MyBirth every Monday.